campsparkle | I'm sorry about this, but it is time.

Amanuensis' Note: Following the example set by Ms Stella Gibbons, those descriptive passages which most superbly display the art of the writer have been marked with asterisks, one, two or three according to quality, to ensure that the Gentle Reader does not overlook them.

Appendices 1-11 and (a) can be found in the post following this one.

It was the best of reality television programming⁽¹⁾. Two of the most famous boybands ever in a battle to the death.

The arena was prepared with gnome statues and kitties, also plentiful vats of lube. The only actual weapons were bejewelled throwing stars and some extra-large sex toys. However, one could argue that the gnomes were lethal implements. Ninja sexbots formed a phalanx surrounding the gateway to hell, which was gaping open to release the screaming horde of massed flying monkees with tattoos.**

The referee sighed. Signing up for this insanity was about the dumbest thing Wade had ever done, apart from that time he slept in Justin's bed along with Lyn and her boytoy, Kevin Federline. Wade shook the memory from his mind, blew his whistle, and looked at the Squee-Meter.

Nsync's rating was blown away, as Brian started whispering in Howie's ear a plan to thwart Nsync's cunning and quite brilliant attempt to win votes by extreme and rather intense sex noises.* JC was awesome at sex and baking so why not wrap Justin in pastry for a lengthy sausage roll session, while Joey slathered butter on Lance with Chris's eager assistance.

Rubbing it in speedily, Chris tweeted "#butteredlance" to get Justin away from JC⁽²⁾. Immediately!

Lured by the enticingly greased sheen of Lance's tanned skin, Justin broke his pastry covering, casting shards everywhere, and lurched away. Scarred for life, Brian tried to hide behind Howie, who shrugged and then killed the ninja sexbots. Brian cried.⁽³⁾

"We have to do something!" Nick took his clothes off. The crowd went wild!

Unfortunately, Jane emerged from the Gateway, also naked. HORROR!!!!

To protect his virgin brain from the grotesque spectacle, Chris blindfolded JC. "Large penis is always welcome, but its batshit source isn't!!"

"Penalty!" yelled Wade. "Premature nakedness! 500 points from Gryffindor!"

"Pillock," muttered Daniel, from the Judges' table; Pecker and Lynn⁽⁴⁾ led Jane away.

Meanwhile, Chris leaped onto Steed's back and swung his lasso (made of freshly removed intestines from the not-yet-dead Lou Pearlman), entrapping Lance. His well-lubricated form thrust free, and with a scream of "Geronimo!" Chris hurled himself bodily on top of Lance, hoping to capture the buttery Bass ass and do wicked things⁽⁵⁾.

The crowd applauded wildly as Wade awarded Nsync eleventeen points.

JC, still blindfolded, tried to copulate with AJ, the chessy⁽⁶⁾. Howie, having none of it, put a bow tie on the Christmas tree, also turned on the sparkly lights, and began thrusting, drawing AJ's penis from his tight pants.

"My penis wants a bow!" AJ exclaimed, while Brian looked at Kevin fellating Aaron Carter.

"A bow it shall have," a mysterious voice from nowhere declared, as a Slytherin necktie appeared, also from nowhere. It sparkled, of course.

Gratified, AJ smiled and shoved his cock into the nearest warm body, Howie's drool tracing silver trails on AJ's many tattoos and catching the light artistically.

"Stop!"

The drool stopped moving, pulsating malevolently under the bright lights.*** It slunk back up towards a large box of Kleenex, was absorbed, and disappeared.**

Wade penalized Backstreet 69 points for excessive use of sentient drool.

"Curses," thought Kevin. "We're losing."

"JC's just too damn sexy!" AJ said, licking his lips. Intent on winning, Kevin drew his wand from beneath his asscheeks and cast a spell of turgidity. Of course this affected his bandmates as well.

With a howl of glee they all turned into werewolves and suddenly discovered they couldn't perform. Filled with shame, they called a meeting to discuss this painful situation.

Meanwhile, Nsync laughed maniacally, and Brian cried.

Annoyed, Nick ripped into Justin's jacked that was laying around, shredding and slobbering on it, discovering his mate's scent on the collar, and ran off, seeking a cure for lycanthropy.**

Distraught, Justin howled and ran immediately after his transformed love, intent on experiencing bestiality again, which had been the best^(a). Kevin jumped out of nowhere with sharp teeth and limp hair. Werewolves don't condition. It leads to unfortunate tossing of wildly flowing wolf manes which then tangle, badly. This made Brian cry again⁽⁷⁾.

Despite a wolf attacking him, Lance managed to use detangler to detangle all the wolf hair and the pubic hair. Lance, who waxed, had no need for ominous toys to help prepare himself for anything. Kevin, having been detangled, looked around for a buttered bass, and salivated, ready for a tasty bite of buttered Bass ass.*

"I'll save you, baby!" yelled Chris, who tackled Kevin and accidentally took an eyebrow with him as a trophy. Fun! Yay for Lance's pube wax. Filled with rage, Kevin threw himself at Chris, who wasn't going to be caught defenceless, so he withdrew his large claws and charged. They smashed into each other, but then the spell's aphrodisiac effect activated. Sensing Steed nearby, Kevin left Chris on the ground and let his mount mount him. Joey watched it in horror. So did everyone else. Steed reared back and took off, leaving Kevin, who felt used. As well he might.

Meanwhile, Nick had only found crabs, which were scuttling over towards Justin's jacket shreds. They weren't happy crabs. Nick kissed Brian, thankful he'd finally stopped crying. Nick's kisses can do that.

AJ and JC had been canoodling on a pile of wolf fur, while Chris pet Lance, and the curse broke!

"JC's spunk cures werewolfism!" Howie told Joey, while unbuttoning his secret instructions. Joey stole them and stuffed them into his mouth in a desperate attempt to prevent Backstreet from winning. It failed, for they⁽⁸⁾ exploded.

Luckily, Joey had taken precautions. With the help of Lance's nosejob and Chris's shiny teeth, his face was reinforced, so his beard and Justin's eyebrows matched perfectly. #forthewin tweeted Wade, awarding Nsync 20 points for forward planning and eyebrow design, and Backstreet 200 for cunningness.

"What the hell is going on?" Joey asked.⁽⁹⁾

"Fuck knows," Chris replied.⁽¹⁰⁾

Meanwhile, AJ danced wildly, naked under the stars, while JC stared, hypnotised by the way the moonlight played across the smooth globes of AJ's non-existent ass.**

"Did you feed the chicken?" AJ asked.

"Uhm…" JC looked away: the complete absurdity of the situation felt somehow home-like and familiar and yet very much like every chidken-feeding movie ever made.

"It's fight time!" Kevin yelled.

"Woo hoo! Bring on the carnage and destruction," Brian replied gleefully, greasing up the nearest human cannonball cannon. "Oh, Howie!"

"Oh, shoot me hard, baby!" Howie winked, but Justin had no love for Howie and Brian's hijinks with the cannon. He leapt in front of Kevin, groping his crotch and earning points for both teams, causing Brian and Howie to bump groins in celebration.

AJ felt unloved. Here he was, naked and covered in bees, dripping their sweet, sweet honey.* Tenderly, Nick touched AJ's sock. "Ew! It's hard and sticky!"

AJ's look was innocent and tender. Nick was not fooled; AJ's sock was evil.⁽¹¹⁾

Chris screamed "OMGbees!" He ran. Six hundred points to Backstreet!

"I give up! You win!" Wade yelled, and stalked out.

"Who? said Lance, baffled.

"Never mind, let's all have sex."

"Great idea! JC said. "Kevin! I want your hard cock!"⁽¹²⁾

And so then they all had monkey sex.

THE END